Finding the Way
by Jaye Reid
Summary: "Perhaps the place where you are, is not on a map" - Winnie the Pooh. (A. A. Milne)


Title: Finding the Way.

By Jaye Reid

Commenced: 12.09.2000

Completed: 18.11.2000

Summary: "Perhaps the place where you are, is not on a map" - Winnie the Pooh. (A. A. Milne)

Disclaimer: Not mine, never will be. But a woman can dream can't she?? g

Rating: PG13

Category: Story, Romance, Angst - it's got everything! (H & M shipper)

Spoilers: Yeah Baby, Boomerang. Basically anything before 'The Princess and the Petty Officer.'

Authors notes: As you can see from the date from start to finish, I have been working on this one in bits and pieces. Obviously the majority of it was finished before TP&PO screened in the US. So please ignore this lack in continuity. I had intended this to be my second JAG fic, but it has turned out to be my eighth! Harm, Mac and co., just keep talking to me in my head and asking me to write stuff down... g, so I became a little sidetracked. Oh and my Winnie the Pooh summary quote g. I was sitting here trying to think of a suitable summary while my daughter watched a Winnie the Pooh video. The words came through loud and clear. I knew it was perfect!

Dedication: To Christianna. As if she didn't already have enough to put up with her mother's obsessions writing Water Rats and Blue Heelers fic. I had to add JAG to the list!

Thanks to Bridget for beta reading.

~*~*~*~

Mac sat impatiently at her desk. She was always waiting impatiently.

*She* was always on time.

Once again, it was Harmon Rabb Junior she was waiting for.

The Admiral had told her personally. He knew how she would take the news.

Baby AJ was in hospital.

Admiral Chegwidden had sent a message to the courts where Bud and Harm were prosecuting in a Dereliction of Duty hearing. As soon as the message had been received, they had asked for an adjournment. Harm had rung Mac on his cell phone to let her know he was coming to get her. Bud had already headed to the hospital.

The Admiral didn't wait for Mac to ask for permission to leave for the day. He gave it as he gave her the news. With the case adjourned until the next week, he knew Rabb would want to be at the hospital, and he doubted Mac would get any work done either. The senior AJ couldn't remember the last time he had seen such an attentive pair of godparents. Most he knew of, merely saw it as their duty to remember the child at birthday and Christmas times.

Not this pair.

Mac sat at her desk, staring at the blank computer screen, lost in her thoughts until the phone rang.

"Colonel Mackenzie."

"Thank you... put him through."

"Mic, I'm glad you called. I would have forgotten to phone. I have to cancel lunch today."

"Oh... I was looking forward to seeing you love," he whined, not happy at her admission that she had forgotten their lunch date.

"Baby AJ is sick... he's in the hospital. I'm about to head over there," she stated.

"Do you want me to take you," he asked, sounding genuinely concerned.

"No, it's okay. Harm is on his way to get me. We are going over there together."

Well, how long will it take?" asked Mic, now sounding annoyed at the mention of her *other* partner, "could you make a late lunch?"

"Mic! I could be all day. We're not going to leave there until we know he's going to be okay!"

"Why? It's not as if you can do anything for him by standing around," Mic argued.

"For goodness sake Mic! Harm and I are his godparents. It's like he is our own..."

Mac stopped herself before the words spilt from her mouth. She suddenly realized what she was about to say. Mic didn't need the sentence finished, he knew where she was going with it.

"Like he's your own child? Yours and his? I'm never going to be able to compete with that am I?" he asked, knowing it was a rhetorical question.

"It's not about competing Mic," said Mac with a sigh. "But no, I guess not."

She knew it wasn't going to work. But it would have been better if it would have ended differently.

"Goodbye then Sarah," he said.

"Bye," she replied to the dial tone.

With elbows on the desk, she buried her face in her hands.

How did life get all so crazy? 

Mac sighed and rubbed her forehead. She reached down, opened a drawer, and took an envelope from inside before closing it again. She addressed it before sliding Mic's ring from her finger and dropping it inside.

"H...hmm"

Mac looked up as she sealed the envelope, Harm was standing in her doorway.

"How long have you been...?"

"Not long," he replied with a concerned look. He'd at least witnessed the ring being unceremoniously dropped into the envelope. "Ready to go?"

"Sure," she replied standing, "let's go."

They walked through the bullpen towards the lift. Mac found Gunny near the lift and knew this was the perfect opportunity.

"Gunny, I need this sent by courier this afternoon," she instructed as she handed over the envelope.

"Certainly Ma'am," he replied saluting, always eager to please.

"If you want to... deliver it in person Mac... we *can* make a detour," Harm offered as she pressed the downward button on the lift panel.

"That's okay Harm, there's nothing more that needed to be said that hasn't already," she replied with a weak smile. "It's best this way."

~*~

On the drive to the hospital, Harm debated whether to get Mac to talk to him about Mic. She was avoiding his eyes so he couldn't read what was in her heart. She wouldn't voluntarily let him see her upset, despite the fact he had seen her pain so many times before.

"You know where to find me if you need me," he merely offered as the stopped in the hospital car park. He didn't need to mention in what capacity or on what subject.

She nodded and smiled weakly.

~*~

Mac desperately tried to swallow the lump that had risen in her throat, and was threatening to choke her.

She put a hand up on the glass in front of her as she looked through the observation window. The heat from her hand creating a foggy print. Harriet and Bud were forlornly sitting at their child's bedside.

The toddler was dwafted in his cot by the machinery, and surrounded by meters of wires, cords and cables. Monitors beeped rhythmically as he lay asleep. Mac's heart ached seeing her usually boisterous, active godson, lying there.

This was horrible.

Nothing else in her mixed up, drama filled life could compare with the feeling inside her now.

Mac felt Harm's steadying arm rest across her shoulder. His fingers squeezing her arm for reassurance. She drew her focus back from the room and could see his reflection in the glass in front of them.

She decided that he looked how she felt.

Mac had seen this sort of pain on his face before. The frustration at being unable to do anything.

Bud noticed Harm and Mac standing there, looking as helpless as he and Harriet were.

He leaned over to whisper in Harriet's ear, still slowing rubbing his hand on her back in slow, deliberate circles. She turned to see Mac and Harm as Bud spoke.

Mac tried to acknowledge her, but nothing seemed appropriate.

Harriet turned her attention back to Bud and nodded sadly before turning her attention back to her son. Bud kissed her gently on the forehead before walking to the door, and closing it quietly behind him.

"What's happening Bud?" Harm asked in a controlled tone.

Too controlled Mac thought.

Obviously this was going to be Harm's way of dealing with it. Pretend they were gathering evidence. Looking for all the facts before deciding how to tackle the case.

Bud sighed. "We don't really know at the moment Sir. They've run tests, they've got more tests they want to do this afternoon. He's all hooked up to monitors for things that I can't even begin to pronounce... it's all so..."

"Overwhelming?" offered Harm.

"Yes, most definitely."

"He'll be fine," offered Mac, hoping she sounded reassuring. "He's a real fighter."

"I wish I could say I had your confidence Ma'am. But at the moment I just want to be able to breathe and it not hurt."

Harm reached over and gave Bud a supportive pat on the shoulder. He offered no words, but hoped the message was conveyed in the gesture.

"Has Harriet told you what happened?" Mac asked as they all turned their attention back to the scene before them in the room. 

He'd been a bit grizzly and running a slight temperature," replied Bud. "We think he's getting his last back teeth. He usually gets like this. It wasn't out of the ordinary, really. Harriet put him in bed. She said he seemed to settle. You know... he seemed fine she said."

"But?" asked Harm.

"Well he started crying apparently - really wailing she said, like he was in pain. She headed for his room and he stopped suddenly. By the time she got there, he was having some sort of seizure. She said she totally panicked and didn't know what to do, so she called 911."

"Calling 911 was the smart thing to do. She knew exactly what she was doing," replied Harm.

"Yeah, I guess. But I just feel so helpless. They say he's not in any immediate danger. The preliminary results from the test this morning showed nothing. They are still trying to find out the cause."

"That's reassuring to know at least Bud. He's going to be okay," Harm stated.

"Yes... I guess. Harriet, she's blaming herself. She thinks she must have done something wrong. The doctors have all tried to convince her otherwise, but well... you know Harriet."

"Has she eaten yet?" asked Mac who had been a silent participant in the conversation thus far. It was Harm who needed to get his head around the facts, there was time enough for her to do that later. "She's got the baby to consider too. She has to look after herself."

I know Ma'am, but she won't leave him. In case... well in case something..."

"Nothing's going to happen," said Harm. "You need to eat too. Mac and I can sit with him while you go."

"I don't..."

"Bud, we insist," added Mac.

Bud nodded. "Hang on then," he said. He walked in quick time to the nurses station, and spoke briefly, pointing back to Harm and Mac several times. He gave the nurse a brief smile of acknowledgement, before heading back to his colleagues. "I've checked with them and explained who you are. They're fine about it. Now we just have to convince Harriet."

"I'll pull rank if I have to," stated Harm.

They walked into the room.

Harriet looked across at them.

"Colonel, Commander... it's so nice that you're here," she said softly.

"Try keeping us away," said Mac looking up at Harm.

"Harriet dear... the Colonel and Commander are going to sit with AJ while we go get something to eat," said Bud approaching his wife.

"I can't," she replied. "What if he wakes up and..."

"Harriet, you need to eat... get some fresh air," said Mac gently. "You have your other child to consider too."

Harriet looked down and rubbed her protruding stomach.

"Come on Harriet, just for a little while," said Bud.

"I don't have a choice in this do I?" she asked, looking from Mac to Harm.

"No," they replied in unison.

"Alright then. But you *will* come and get me if he wakes up, won't you?"

"I'll come and get you personally," replied Harm.

That's my flyboy thought Mac with great affection. She then realized if AJ woke or something happened, she would be left alone with the medical staff fussing while Harm went to get them.

Nothing was going to happen she told herself - nothing.

Then another realization. *My* flyboy? How did that one sneak in to her brain? She had only just told Mic goodbye. He may not have even received the ring back yet, and she had already moved on claiming Harm as hers. Maybe this wasn't moving on though? Perhaps she had already been there, not willing to acknowledge the facts? She smiled to herself - withholding evidence! But there was still one major stumbling block.

Her flyboy belonged to Renee.

"Hey Mac, you're gonna get altitude sickness if you don't come back down from where you are soon," joked Harm quietly, trying to lighten the mood.

Mac blinked. "Sorry what? Miles away," she replied.

"That's exactly what I was saying," he responded, giving her a concerned look.

Mac realized that while she was off in her own world, Harriet and Bud had left the room. She sat down in Harriet's chair and looked through the side-rails of the cot.

"He's just so... precious," said Mac wistfully as she reached through the railing and ran her fingers over his chubby little hands. An IV line ran from his arm, splinted and bandaged.

"He'll be fine, you'll see," reassured Harm resting his hand on her shoulder again.

She looked up at Harm. Her eyes telling him she didn't know if she could believe his words.

He squeezed his fingers into her shoulder. "Faith," he said. It was a word he had used many times before. Harm walked around the cot, retrieving the other chair in the room and placing it beside Mac.

They sat there just watching AJ sleep.

"I don't know how they do it," said Mac quietly, finally breaking the silence.

"Do what?" Harm whispered.

Mac glanced at Harm before turning her attention back to little AJ.

"This. Be parents. Spending a lifetime worrying," she sighed. "Simple everyday ailments would be enough to stress me out, let alone something like this."

Harm leaned towards her.

"Is this your way of telling me you want to back out of our deal?" he smiled. "I didn't think Marine's were so easily defeated?"

Mac managed to raise a smile to her lips.

"Our deal eh? I thought you would have forgotten about that by now," she replied, glad however that he hadn't. "With you and Renee together... I thought all bets would have been cancelled?"

"Time isn't up yet," he grinned. He was glad this subject had taken away some of the worry from her eyes. It was now replaced by a mischievous glint.

She knew what he was up to. He was trying to take her mind off baby AJ, and she more than appreciated his efforts. Especially with this discussion.

"So flyboy, do you know how long you've got to sort out your sad and sorry life?" she quipped. 

His reply totally startled her.

I believe I have... 3 years, 18 weeks and 5 days," he grinned. "Don't ask me to be exact on the hours. I thought I would leave that one to you!"

Mac's eyes were wide in disbelief at his preciseness.

"Colonel... Commander," the Admiral whispered loudly from the doorway.

Mac was saved from responding to Harm's information. But she didn't have to make a mental note, this discussion would *definitely* be continuing at a later date.

"Where are his parents?" the Admiral continued, motioning for them to return to their seat as they stood.

"We sent them out to get something to eat and some air Sir," replied Mac.

"Good idea," he replied, taking a few more steps into the room until he was standing beside the cot. He looked down at his namesake. "I've never been very good around children," he stated. Mac and Harm were surprised by the honest admission from their CO. "What's the prognosis?"

"So far, so good apparently," replied Harm quietly. "They have more tests to run, but they think he's going to be okay."

Mac didn't mind Harm doing all the talking.

She didn't feel much like talking.

"No idea what is wrong with him at all?" the Admiral questioned.

"He had some sort of seizure, that's as much as we know," Harm answered.

The Admiral nodded as he silently tapped the top railing of the cot with the palm of his hand. He sighed. "They're a constant cause of worry, but you wouldn't be without them."

Harm bit the inside of his cheek to force the smile away, but Mac could see it in Harm's eyes.

"Mr. and Mrs. Roberts?" asked a nurse as she and an orderly entered the room.

"Ah no," said Mac standing, "they're just gone to get something to eat."

"We're going to run the last of the tests," the nurse replied.

"Harm also stood. "I'll go get them. The Cafeteria is...?"

"Down the hall to the left, take the lift up a floor," stated the orderly. "You can't miss it."

"Thanks. I'll be back soon," he said to Mac as he patted his hand on her shoulder.

Mac smiled weakly as he left, glad at least, that the Admiral was there to keep her company.

The looks exchanged between his two officers didn't go un-noticed by the senior AJ.

~*~

"Your case load today Colonel Mackenzie. I assume you will have the brief prepared for the Rodgers hearing next week?" the Admiral asked while they waited.

"Yes, it's all but completed," replied Mac.

"Good, good. Rabb and Roberts secured an adjournment until Tuesday on the Collins trial," he continued.

"Yes, Harm mentioned that this morning," she replied, distracted by the nurses with baby AJ.

"I see you are no longer wearing Mic Brumby's ring. I take it that the scuttlebutt is true, Mac?" he asked, coming straight to the point. He had dropped the rank, and Mac knew this was AJ friend, not Admiral AJ Chegwidden, JAG, talking.

Mac looked down at her bare hands. "If the scuttlebutt is that I've returned his ring and told him I won't be marrying him, then yes... it is true," she replied.

"Almost word for word."

"Ah... scuttlebutt, prophecies of doom," Mac returned with a half smile.

"Or tales of retribution and hope," added AJ.

~*~

Have either of you eaten yet?" AJ asked when Harm returned with Bud and Harriet.

"I haven't Sir... AJ," Harm corrected after the 'drop the rank look' from the Admiral. 

Mac shook her head. She was watching the nursing staff talk to Bud and Harriet as they prepared to take baby AJ for the tests. Suck it up Marine, she told herself. Keep it together.

"Colonel!"

"Ah... yes Sir, sorry Sir."

"Food... cafeteria... now!" stated the Admiral, pulling rank to get her attention.

"Yes Sir," she replied. Focus, that's what she needed.

~*~

They purchased sandwiches and coffee before finding a quiet corner table.

"So... how are Bud and Harriet holding up?" asked AJ.

"Okay I guess," replied Mac, they just look so..."

"Lost," said Harm.

"How about you two?" continued AJ.

Mac and Harm looked sadly at each other. "We'll be fine," offered Mac.

"That's not what I asked," replied AJ.

"We'll be fine," reiterated Harm, following Mac's lead. He felt anything *but* fine, and he knew darn well that Mac wasn't doing very well either.

"There's nothing worse than watching your child in pain and not being able to help them," continued AJ. "You feel their pain from the first time they scrape their knee, to missing out on being picked for the football team, their first broken heart..."

"Sounds like an advertisement for celibacy," chuckled Harm quietly over the top of his cup of coffee.

"You think so Commander? Tell me, do you remember the first time your godson smiled at you?" asked AJ knowingly.

Harm put his cup back down on the table and focussed his mind somewhere else. He broke into a beaming smile. "Yeah... I remember. I remember it well," he replied.

"I doubt I need to ask how it made you feel? Pretty much the same as it does now remembering it?" AJ continued.

"I couldn't wipe the smile off my face all day," he replied, knowing it was the same smile he was wearing now.

Mac inwardly sighed. She loved that smile. It warmed her from the inside - out. She would never become tired of that look on his face.

"Well I suggest you multiply that feeling one hundred fold, and it might go somewhere near how they feel about their son on a *bad* day. Let alone a good day. It's incomprehensible to measure the love of a parent to a child. I imagine you put your mother through her fair share of worry as a child?"

"Worry?" he smiled. "Well... I only remember landing myself in hospital the once."

"What did you do Harm?" Mac interrupted with a smile. "Jump off the barn roof pretending you were Superman and could fly?"

"I don't know if I'm going to tell you after that," replied Harm jovially.

"Commander, share... that's an order," replied AJ enjoying this discussion.

"Yes, don't go withholding evidence there Commander Rabb," grinned Mac.

"Evidence gained under duress is inadmissible however," continued Harm.

"This isn't a court of law Commander. Spill or..."

"Okay, okay," said Harm sheepishly. "I was about six, it was just before Dad... it was before Christmas that year. I was pretending I was a pilot like Dad. But it was the porch roof, *not* the barn," he added looking at Mac. She was trying to suppress her laughter.

"And?" said AJ.

"Mild concussion and a busted arm," he replied, offhandedly. "Mom wasn't too happy because she was there by herself with me. Although once I was okay again, I think she was ready to tan my hide! I should have remembered the incident when I went to fly tomcats. Should have known I wouldn't be able to nail the landings all the time."

"I'll remember that next time you ask me to go flying with you," said Mac with a grin.

"Just eat your lunch Marine," smiled Harm.

~*~

The Admiral headed back to the office after they had eaten. It was Friday and he was sure that Lieutenant Singer would take advantage of the fact the JAG wasn't here on a Friday afternoon and try to slip out early.

He liked to keep them all on their toes.

~*~

"What did the doctors say?" asked Mac as they found Bud in the corridor outside his son's room.

"Well, he says we shouldn't be too concerned. Apparently around 5 percent of children have at least one seizure before they turn 16," he replied, obviously quoting the doctors words.

"Lovely statistics as long as your kid isn't one of the five percent," said Harm in his usual off-handed way.

"Well they did a CBC whatever that is, and a urinalysis. They came back all clear. They said because of his age, it was standard procedure to do the lumbar puncture."

"Oh... poor baby," said Mac.

"Apparently there are different types of seizures. They think his was a febrile seizure, not a non-febrile. Not that I understand much of it. He's no longer on the monitors, but they want to keep him in overnight, just to be sure," offered Bud.

"Well that's understandable surely?" said Mac.

"Has there been any clue as to what caused this?" asked Harm.

"No, not yet. But they said sometimes they just don't find anything."

"That sounds frustrating," said Mac.

"It is Ma'am," Bud replied.

"Look Bud," said Mac, "you and Harriet have been here all day. Harriet needs rest so close to the end of her pregnancy so... this is what I propose..."

"The Lieutenant Colonel is making proposals. This should be interesting," Harm chipped in giving her a grin.

She gave him a slight smile, but refrained from commenting. "Bud... I'm going to get Mister *I'm-so-funny-I-kill-myself* here, to take me home," she nodded towards Harm. "I'll get out of this uniform..."

"Before or *after* I leave Mac?" he grinned.

Her jaw nearly dropped to the floor at his cheeky comment. She came close to throwing him a red light, but decided to ignore him. "See what I mean Bud," she said without looking at Harm. "He missed his true calling as a stand-up comedian."

"Begging your pardon, but he's a lawyer Ma'am... close enough. You've seen him in the courtroom," Bud added, not even *game* to look at Harm.

"H...hm!"

"Oh... you're still here?" asked Mac innocently.

"Yes... it would appear so," he replied. "You were saying?"

"I was before I was *rudely* interrupted... I'll get changed, grab something to eat, and come back to do the night shift," she said to Bud.

"But Ma'am..."

"No but Ma'am... I'll pull rank if I have to," she replied.

"You've been here all day too. You must be as tired as we are, just sitting around here, waiting," said Bud.

"That's why I'm going to come back with her," Harm added. "Someone has to make sure she stays awake, or she'll be up for a Dereliction of Duty charge."

"Harm, really. There's no need," stated Mac. "I'm sure being Friday night you and Renee have plans."

"Objection over-ruled Counselor. Nothing that can't be broken. This is far more important."

"I don't think Harriet will want to leave," said Bud.

"Bud... if the doctors have said little AJ will be fine, then I'm not about to give her the choice. I have no interest in suffering motion sickness, from travelling between here and the obstetrics ward if they have to admit her from stress and exhaustion.. She is going home to rest tonight. Now you go and inform her and I'll be back after dinner," stated Mac.

"We'll be back!" added Harm.

Mac turned to him and smiled. "Okay *Arnie*," she said, rolling her eyes.

"Arnie?" asked Bud.

"Now who's trying to be funny?" grinned Harm at Mac as they left.

~*~

"You don't have to come back with me you know," said Mac as she unlocked her front door.

"I know I don't *have* to Mac, I want to," he said following her inside.

"I should have asked earlier Harm, but what's in the bag?" she queried, indicating to the sports bag he was carrying.

"Ah I didn't think you'd mind. I was going out after work tonight so I already had a change of clothes with me. I thought it would save going back to my place," replied. "Do you mind if I phone Renee from here?"

"Sure. I hope it wasn't important. The date I mean?" replied Mac.

Harm shook his head. "We've already reviewed this evidence."

"Fine... fine. Prosecution rests," she smiled.

"Prosecution? Why do you get to be the prosecution and I have to be defense?" he replied, pretending to pout.

"You're such a baby sometimes Harm," she chuckled as she headed for her bedroom.

~*~

As Mac searched her closet for something to wear, she could hear Harm talking on the telephone. She didn't necessarily *want* to eavesdrop - but well, it wasn't her fault if she could hear his side of the conversation.

"No look... I'm sorry. Honestly I can't."

"They're totally exhausted Renee, they need to go home and rest."

"Well you didn't tell me it was *that* important."

"No you didn't! If that was the case, I would have been under-dressed with what I had planned to wear out tonight anyway."

"Why would I have wanted to wear my uniform?"

"Look Renee! I'm not into wearing my dress whites, just to impress your friends. It doesn't work like that."

"No, it doesn't."

"Renee, I don't have time for this now."

"Don't give me that old speech Renee, it's really getting tired you know. We *do* spend time together. You knew what it would be like, I *did* tell you."

By this stage, Mac had changed into a pair of black jeans and a pale blue sweater and wandered back out to the kitchen to get a glass of water.

"We have to go now. I'll talk to you later," Harm said to Renee, glancing at Mac.

"I'm at Mac's place."

"Yes, she's going to be there too."

"HELL RENEE! We're *both* little AJ's godparents!"

"I'm hanging up now Renee." And with that he returned the receiver to the phone.

"Glass of water?" Mac asked calmly. One of them needed to be calm she decided. After talking to Renee, Harm certainly wasn't.

"No... ah no thanks Mac. I could do with something stronger," he chuckled.

"Oh... well then," said Mac in a mocking tone as she opened up a cupboard and pretended to look inside. "What have I got? Vodka, bourbon, gin... oh a bottle of 'VB' - that's an Australian beer apparently. So what do you want. I could make you a mixture of all of them if you prefer?"

"Sorry Mac. I wasn't thinking," he replied, hanging his head.

Mac closed the crockery cupboard before turning and leaning in the doorway.

"You should know by now that *talking* about booze, isn't going to dump me off the wagon back into the dust, sailor boy. But, if there is one thing I *do* know, if you've got a problem, you *don't* go reaching for the bottle. It's not going to help. That's what *friends* are for - to help. So if you need a friend, you know where to find me - okay?"

Harm nodded. "Thanks Mac. I'm just going to get changed."

"Well hurry up, because I'm hungry," she called after him.

"Tell me something I didn't know!" he called back.

~*~

"Do you want the last piece of pizza?" asked Mac, looking down at the plate on the table between them.

"Mac - you have to ask? What's on it Mac?"

She chuckled as she picked the slice up and took a bite. She then proceeded to pull off a piece of the pepperoni topping. She held it up before dropping it into her mouth.

"You don't know what you're missing out on," she said cheekily.

Harm gave her a serious stare. "Oh believe me Mac, I know *exactly* what I am missing out on these days."

She looked at him from over the top of her next bite, and wondered whether or not they were still talking about pizza.

~*~

They arrived back at the hospital and headed for baby AJ's room.

He wasn't there.

"Harm..."

"Don't worry, just stay calm," he replied.

"But what if..."

"Come on, back to the nurses station," he said, leading her towards the desk.

"We're looking for baby AJ Roberts? He was in that room over there," said Harm pointing.

"You would be?" she asked looking up.

"Commander Harmon Rabb Junior," he stated firmly.

"Ah yes... Commander. I have a message here to tell you they have moved the Roberts child over to the other side. Follow this corridor right down to the end. Turn left, and follow it down to the nurse's station over there. They'll give you the room number."

"Thank you," he replied, taking Mac's arm. "See," he said to her as they walked, "nothing to panic about."

~*~

Harm and Mac found the nurses station and were directed to AJ's room.

"Come on you two, home - now," said Harm after they exchanged greetings with the Roberts'.

"Are you sure about this?" asked Harriet, looking from Mac and then back to her sleeping child.

"Perfectly. Now, home and to bed. We'll see you in the morning," replied Mac.

"Sir we really..."

"Bud it's okay... now just move it. Take your wife home," stated Harm.

"Yes sir... Harm. We'll see you in the morning," replied Bud.

"You will call if..."

"Yes Harriet, don't worry, just go!" interrupted Mac.

"Thank you," said Harriet tearfully, giving Mac a quick hug. She paused for a second before also giving Harm a hug. "I don't know what we would do without the two of you."

"Well, lucky for you then Harriet, you will never have to find out," replied Harm touched by her emotions. "Goodnight."

"Goodnight," she replied.

~*~

The late evening had been silent and uneventful for the two officers as they sat in the child's room. Mac had commandeered a bundle of outdated magazines from a lounge and they had silently read for several hours. 

All of a sudden, AJ started to cry.

The child's wailing cut through Harm like shard's of glass.

"Mac... what's wrong with him?" Harm's words were filled with panic.

"Does this look like his bedroom to you?" questioned Mac as she reached over to pick up the sobbing infant who was now chanting for his mother. "The poor little guy is scared, that's all. C'mon... shooosh. Auntie Mac is here," she whispered as she cuddled baby AJ in her arms.

One of the night nursing staff appeared in the doorway. "Is there a problem?" he asked walking towards Mac.

"Yes," said Harm pointedly. "Perhaps we should call Bud and Harriet and they can..."

"No," said Mac to the nurse. "I think he just woke up with a bit of a fright."

The nurse looked on as Mac's swaying to and fro was calming the child and he was almost asleep in her arms. A soft sob emanating intermittently as he snuggled into Mac's shoulder.

"Looks like you've got things under control," stated the nurse. "Give me a call if you need anything."

Mac nodded to him, and then looked over to Harm as the nurse left. Harm was standing fixed to the same position, staring at her.

"Are you alright Harm? You look terrible,' she said.

"Mac I... I've got to get some air," he replied abruptly and virtually ran from the room.

Mac watched him go, and looked down at the toddler in her arms. "Hey you little bully... I think you scared your uncle Harm," she smiled as she rocked him back to sleep.

~*~

"So, this is where you got to?" said Mac, finally locating Harm on an outside balcony. The air was icy and she wrapped her arms around herself to keep out the cold.

He briefly glanced around to her, not offering any words.

"Okay flyboy... out with it. What happened in there?" she quizzed, as she stepped up beside him.

He shook his head and his eyes seemed to focus on some far off invisible object. "You tell me and we'll both know Mac," he answered.

"Sorry Counselor, that one won't stand up in court. Give it another try."

"Since when was I supposed to have all the answers?" he asked, turning to her.

She continued to humor him, hoping that he would eventually tell her what was bothering him. "Harm, you're a lawyer. If you don't know the answer, the least you could do is make it *sound* convincing. Even that smile of yours usually fools them."

"It wouldn't fool Sarah Mackenzie though," he replied, flashing the very smile they were discussing.

Mac grinned, "No it doesn't. So come on sailor, spill. What's wrong?"

Harm's face lost its smile and was replaced by the earlier serious expression.

"I'm scared Mac. What if I'm not good at being a father? What if I stuff it up? Look, I can't even cope when AJ cries. How will I cope when our child cries? You knew what to do in there Mac. I just panicked."

"Well we've still got 3 years, 18 weeks and 4 days now, to figure it out I guess," Mac with a grin, trying to lighten his mood.

He gave her a puzzled look.

"It's after midnight... so it's another day gone," she answered.

"We didn't discuss whether it was five years from creating this child or from the completion of the task," he replied returning the smile.

"Well... you know it mightn't work the first time. Who knows how long the creating part of this might take," she replied cheekily.

"What marine? Are you suggesting that I'm not up to the task?" he asked.

"Hmm... well, interesting choice of words there sailor!" she laughed.

Harm frowned and repeated the words in his head, before suddenly realizing what she meant.

"And I must say," she continued, "that's a lovely shade of crimson you're wearing."

"No one else can turn my face red. I don't know how you do it to me Sarah," he replied.

"Well I promise I won't tell anyone. I wouldn't want to ruin that reputation of yours," she smiled.

"I'm sorry, I guess I over-reacted in there. I just don't want to fail at this. It's going to be the most important thing I ever do," he offered, turning the conversation back to the reason they were both standing out there.

"We never talked about this part of the arrangement Harm," she said nervously. This conversation was taking on a surreal glow. She had already opened her heart to him, that fateful night on the ferry. She didn't want to re-live the pain it had caused her. "I mean you said you'd go 'halves' as you put it. But you never said you wanted to be around? I don't know... I guess I never thought about you wanting to be there."

"Sarah... I couldn't help create another life and *not* be there. Don't you *want* me to be there?" he asked softly.

"I didn't say that Harm. I guess I never... well we made the deal, but I guess... I always thought you'd find someone. That it would... will, never happen," she replied.

"Oh... I *want* to be there," Harm replied, closing the distance between them. "When we do this, not if... *when*."

"When," she repeated breathlessly.

He put his arms around her waist and drew her to him. "Because *when* we do this, I'm going to show you how special you are to me. I'm going to be there to watch my child grow inside you. For you to share everything magical about a new life. *And* for you to curse me when you feel sick," he added with a grin.

"3 years, 18 weeks and 4 days," she whispered totally mesmerized by his gaze.

"The only think that will change this from happening, is you telling me you don't want it to happen," he said softly.

Their eyes were steadily focussed, their lips barely millimeters apart.

"Are you now suggesting sailor, that this Marine might back away from an agreement?"

"Never," he replied with a grin.

"Lucky for you then," she murmured.

"Excuse me, Lt. Col. Mackenzie?" came a voice from behind them.

Mac smiled up at him as she took a step back from Harm. He dropped his head and hands before returned to this earlier shade of embarrassment.

Their lips had been so close...

"Yes, I'm... Oh god... baby AJ?" she gasped, realizing where she was and why she was there.

"No great problem Ma'am... it's just that he's woken again and he won't settle. You managed to get him to settle earlier. I think he needs a familiar face," she remarked.

"Yes, I'm on my way," she said and looked back at Harm. "We both are."

~*~

Mac hurried back to the room with Harm in tow. She could hear little AJ's cries, long before she reached the room. The nursing sister holding the child, breathed a sigh of relief at Mac's return, and gratefully handed him over.

"Hey little fella... what's all this about?" she said softly. "Can't you sleep?"

"Can the lights be dimmed any lower in here?" asked Harm.

"Sure. I can do that from the nurses station," she replied. "I'll leave you to it."

After the door closed, the lights were soon dimmed. Mac tried to get the toddler back to sleep, walking around the room and rocking him gently.

"He looks like he's getting heavy there Mac," said Harm watching the scene from where he was leaning on the closed door.

"He is," she replied, with a frustrated smile.

"Want mommy... want mommy..." AJ sobbed.

"I know you do little guy, but Mommy needs her sleep. She'll be back here soon enough," Mac said trying to soothe him.

"Here Mac, give me a try," offered Harm, pushing himself way from the door.

She looked at him curiously. "Are you sure?"

"Definitely," he replied as he took the toddler from her arms. "Come on. Enough with the tears. You're going to give the Navy a bad name if you keep this up," said Harm gently.

"What, real Navy men don't cry?" Mac joked.

"Only as a last resort," he joked back.

Harm pulled one of the chairs away from the cot, balancing little AJ with one hand, before sitting down. The child sobbed, but slowly gave in to the exhaustion he had created for himself. Harm gently rocked the child as he hummed a slow, gentle tune.

Mac could tell he was repeating it over and over, each time getting a little slower and softer in tone. If she wasn't careful, she was going to fall asleep too.

Soon, baby AJ lay silently in the arms of his godfather. His eyes closed and his breathing now steady. Still humming, Harm stood and returned AJ to his cot, covering him with the blanket and gently returning the side of the cot to enclose him.

"Harm that was beautiful," whispered Mac, her eyes teary.

"It's a pretty tune," he replied with a smile.

"No... I mean yes, the tune *is* lovely, but I meant *you*. You calmed him, chased away all his fears. Have no second thoughts Harm, you're going to be a great father someday."

"I hope you're right, Sarah," he replied, sitting back down in the chair to watch the child sleep.

"You've called me 'Sarah' a lot tonight," she commented.

"You don't like it? Sometimes it just comes out, that's all," he answered.

"I don't mind at all," she returned with a smile.

~*~

After an hour or so, Mac yawned and stretched in the chair she was seated in. "I'm going to get us a coffee or we'll *both* be up for Dereliction of Duty!" she chuckled. "Will you be okay here alone?"

Harm gave her a mocking glare.

"Okay... so you'll be fine," she replied.

~*~

On her way back from the coffee machine, Mac passed a lounge. The television was on an all night news channel. What she saw surprised her greatly and she hurried back to Harm.

"Thanks Mac," he said quietly as she passed him the foam cup. "This I *definitely* need."

"Harm... your date with Renee?" she questioned.

"What about it Mac?" he replied, taking a sip of his coffee.

"I saw a new clip of some awards ceremony on a TV when I went for the coffee. Renee was on it," she said.

"Ah... so she won," he replied casually.

"You knew about it?" Mac asked incredulously. "Yet you still came here to sit with me rather than go?"

"Sarah... I've got my priorities. And I can tell you, sitting at some boring awards with Renee is *not* high on the list. Ha! I doubt it would even *make* my priority list."

"And this would?" asked Mac softly.

"Yes, this tops the list."

~*~

By morning, Bud and Harriet arrived to find Mac dozing in a chair in the corner of the room. Harm was keeping a very awake AJ distracted with some toys.

Noticing them arrive, he smiled as he rubbed the child's arm to get his attention before pointing to Bud and Harriet in the doorway.

The child's bottom lip started to tremble and with his arms outstretched to his parents, he began to cry.

Mac woken suddenly by the cries, looked towards the cot. Seeing his arms reaching out, she followed AJ's gaze to his parents.

Harriet quickly picked up her child, soothing his tears while creating some of her own. "Did my little man miss his Mommy?" she whispered as she cuddled him.

"How was he last night?" asked Bud.

"Fine," said Mac, briefly as she sat up and glanced at Harm. She told herself that children sometimes woke during the night, no matter where they were. There was no way she was going to divulge Harm's panic, but the conversation that followed, was one she'd never forget.

"We should be able to take him home once the doctor has seen him this morning," said Bud. "Colonel, Commander... I don't know how we can ever thank you for staying with him last night."

"Bud... we are his godparents," said Harm.

"Yes... he was no trouble at all," said Mac with a smile towards Harm.

He gave her a questioning look, but said nothing to her comment.

"Well I think we might get going," said Harm. "Colonel, I think I owe you breakfast."

"Sounds good, I'm..."

"Starving?" finished Harm with a laugh.

She smiled at him. "Bud, Harriet... if you need us to look after him at anytime... call okay?" she said, making it sound almost like an order.

"Yes Ma'am," grinned Harriet. "We might just take you up on that."

"Come on sailor - breakfast!"

Harm jokingly saluted Mac and followed her out of the room.

~*~

"Thanks for that Mac," said Harm once they were out of earshot.

"For what?" she asked.

"For not telling them how hopeless I was last night," he replied.

"Harm... telling them that the fearless tomcat pilot, with two distinguished flying crosses to his name, turned to Jell-O at the fist sign of tears - was not going to achieve anything," she grinned. "Besides, you need to convince them to let you baby-sit."

"I do?"

"Of course!" she laughed. "When you became a pilot, they didn't let you take a plane up by yourself without clocking up the necessary flying hours. If you are planning on *being there*, you need to get in the practice."

~*~

Mac dozed in the car, the radio lulling her to sleep. Harm glanced at her occasionally, picturing her as the mother of his child.

It gave him a feeling of contentment.

He chastised himself for taking this long to realize how much she meant to him. He couldn't imagine life without her. It was unbelievable to think that he nearly lost her to Mic. Their discussions had really hit home just how much he *did* want this.

~*~

"Hey Mac... Mac... we're here," he said, shaking her gently before removing the keys from the ignition.

A disorientated Colonel looked around and then frowned. "We're at your apartment? I thought we were going for breakfast?" she stammered.

"Well... you slept through me stopping at the mini-mart. I'm making you breakfast. There is enough fat in some of that take-out food you eat to sink a destroyer!" he replied reaching for the shopping.

Mac followed Harm up to his apartment. He threw his keys on the cupboard and punched the play button on his answering machine, before heading towards the kitchen with the groceries.

The message started to play...

Harm... I should have known you wouldn't be there... perhaps I should leave a message on Mac's machine.

There was a long pause. Mac noted the insinuation in Renee's tone. She wasn't sure what to do and Harm was making no attempt to turn the machine off. He was busying himself in the kitchen while listening. Mac felt exhausted so she headed to the sofa and collapsed into it. 

After the awards last night I had a job offer in California. It's the right step at this point in my career... and it's probably the right time too. I was originally ringing to tell you I'd call by and collect my things. But I just realized there was nothing of mine at your place. Says it all really. So I guess this is goodbye, it was fun.

The machine beeped, and there were no more messages.

"Perhaps I should go Harm," said Mac.

"No. I promised you breakfast and I'm making you breakfast," he replied, not showing any reaction to the message.

"But what about..."

"Look Mac, if I didn't want to make you breakfast, we would have stopped off at some crummy little joint. You would have consumed your weekly fat intake in one bite, not to mention giving your cholesterol levels altitude sickness. Now... the coffee is on, I'm going to scramble some eggs and make a huge stack of whole-wheat toast."

"It sounds wonderful," she replied slowly with a yawn as she leaned back on the sofa and closed her eyes. "Just as long as I can..."

"...stay awake to eat it?" he finished for her.

She gave a sleepy nod.

"Well... in that case Mac, move - now! Come on, over here and set the table for me. If you fall asleep I doubt I will be able to wake you without risking my life in the process," he instructed.

"You know me far too well Harm," she laughed as she stood and walked over to the bench.

"I should by now," he returned. "Better than anyone."

"Better than I think I know myself sometimes," she replied.

"Well sometimes... sometimes we are too close to see things ourselves," he stated.

"And what do you see Harm?" she asked.

"What do you mean?"

"I mean me. What do *you* see that I'm too close to see?" she asked, leaning her arms down on the bench and looking up at him.

"You want to know what I see?" he repeated.

"Yes."

"Without fear or favor?" he quizzed.

"Straight off the cuff, sailor."

"Okay," he hesitated for a second or two. Should he *really* be saying any of this? Oh well... here goes, he thought. "Mic Brumby isn't the man for you."

Mac laughed. "Point one Counselor - that's all finished anyway. Point two... is that the best you can do? I mean blind Freddie could have told me it wasn't going to work out with Mic."

"Even *you* knew it wouldn't Mac?" he asked.

"Deep inside... I guess I knew. Probably right from the start. But he was so persistent and I was lonely I guess," she shrugged.

Harm was silent. He mixed the eggs in a bowl before pouring them into a hot pan on the stove.

"Harm?"

"Yeah?"

"About Renee..."

"What about her," he replied without emotion.

"Harm! Come on... don't give me the silent treatment. We both heard the message, you've said nothing. Are you okay?"

"Um... I'm not sure Mac," he replied as he stirred the mix in the pan. "I think part of me is relieved. Like you I didn't think it would *really* work, but well..."

"A man has his needs?" asked Mac mischievously.

Harm stopped stirring for a second to look at Mac, before returning to the task. "Hmm... well... I guess."

"My, my Commander, I do believe I've made you blush - again!" she chuckled.

"Finish setting the table will you Mac!"

~*~

"Well, I'm officially full," said Mac pushing her empty plate away.

"Good," said Harm with a smile. "You need the practice, eating healthy that is. Babies need a healthy mother!"

Mac smiled, trying to think of something witty to say, but for a rare occasion, she was struck speechless. Harm took it as his opportunity to continue. 

"Sarah, I've been thinking about our deal..."

"Obviously, Mr. 'I-know-exactly-how-much-time-is-left'. Are you going to tell me how you know?" she inquired.

"Are you going to tell me how you can tell the time so accurately?" he countered.

"I might... it all depends," she replied.

Harm stood and walked over to his bedside and removed a diary from the drawer. He opened out a page, a five year planner that was stuck in the back of the book. He carried it back to the table.

"This is how," he replied, handing it to her before sitting down again.

The weeks were counted. Marked with a pen. There was a number in each box as to the day that was being counted down. At the start of each month, there was also a monthly countdown. Harm could see she was trying to comprehend what he was showing her. 

"There was one really bad night in particular on the Patrick Henry. It had been a horrendous day all round and I guess I was lying on my bunk, just thinking. I took out the planner and started counting form AJ's birth. It got me through that night Mac, along with others like it. Now, each night I cross off another day. And I know it's one day closer to the rest of my life."

Mac looked at the page. She traced her finger over a heart with a cupid's arrow, drawn heavily and colored with blue pen. So much so, it had almost worn a hole through the paper.

It was marked on little AJ's fifth birthday.

"Harm... honestly... I don't know what to say," she said, just gazing at him. For a man who couldn't 'let go', he was certainly opening his heart to her now.

"I guess I don't *need* you to say anything," he replied, leaning forward to take the diary from her. He walked back to the drawer. She watched him take a pen from it, and she knew he was marking yet another neat cross in one of the boxes.

"Harm?"

"Yeah?" he replied, turning around, diary still in hand.

She stood from the table and walked over to him. "I think we should talk... about all of this," she said as she sat on the edge of his bed.

He sat down beside her, a worried look in his eyes.

"I'm trying to figure out how to put this," she said. Her mind searching for the right words.

"Mac... just say it. I'm sure I can take it. I mean Renee has already dumped..."

"Harm... I have a problem with the timeline on this deal," she blurted out. She sighed deeply. It wasn't as difficult to say as she thought it might. "I mean, I've been promoted to Chief of Staff, you're getting back into the swing of things..."

"Of course," he interrupted. "You're career is really important to you..."

"So is yours," she countered.

"So, how far back do you want to push this Mac?"

"Harm..."

"Or perhaps you'd prefer to just forget the deal ever took place?" he rambled. "Or... or... perhaps you want to do this with someone other than..."

"HARM!" she almost yelled to get his attention. "Will you please shut up for a minute!?"

He tried to swallow and nodded. Was this how she felt that night on the ferry? The night she had laid her feelings on the line to him? He ached to think that he had caused her *this* much pain. It was his turn to feel the pain, to have *his* heart on the line.

"Now... just listen. You're back, and thank goodness for that. I missed you so much while you were away. Yes, I am Chief of Staff. It is an honor to hold that position. But Harm... it isn't the be all and end all of my life. Watching Bud and Harriet, even though little AJ was sick... Harm it was a terrible time for them, but I realized they have everything in the world that means something to them. And what do I have? I have none of the things I want in my life."

She reached over and took his hands that had been clasped in front of him. 

"Harm... I want to change the timeline. I want to move it forward," she whispered.

"Forward?" he repeated, not sure if he had heard her correctly. Maybe his mind was playing tricks on him. He wasn't game to look up from the spot he had been staring at on the floor.

"Yes Harm, forward," she replied leaning on his arm. "I want it now. I want your child growing inside me, and I don't want to wait any longer. That's if you want it too?"

When he diverted his eyes to hers, he saw the unconditional love that he held in his own heart, mirrored in her gaze.

"You know I love you don't you?" he asked searching her eyes, looking into her soul.

"Yes, and you know I love you," she replied.

"Mac, nothing would make me happier than to have you and our child permanently in my life," he smiled as he pulled her close.

"So... what about right now then?" she asked as she trailed her fingers to the top buttons of his shirt.

Harm took her hand and kissed it. "I thought you were suffering from sleep depravation?" he chuckled softly.

"I don't think that's the sort of depravation I want to talk about," she grinned wickedly.

"Sleep later?" he queried, pulling her down on the bed.

"Yes Harm, sleep much later."

The End


End file.
